Dealing with Depression and Anxiety

I live in a teenage world where depression and anxiety are romanticized, mostly by the Tumblr/fanfiction community. But as a teenager who has been diagnosed with depression since age 11 and anxiety since age 9, I really have those things, even if my friends don’t believe me. 

I am out-going. I am extroverted and I love people. I love people within certain boundaries. In theatre I can deal with people because I am not myself. I am playing someone else and I can handle the crowds and the stage and the nerves because I’m not Jane, I’m in character. With my friends who I am close with I can act completely normal and function for long periods of time without having to worry about any sort of attack anxiety-wise.

But working retail for 20 plus hours a week? Talking to customers, asking if they need help, need a dressing room, need a bin, need me to hold anything, need a specific item, if they’re finding everything alright, if they need a manager…that is stressful. I get upset, nauseous, angry, and sometimes even panicky or nervous. I come home from work feeling as tight as piano strings and cranky. I get on the phone with Daniel and I feel horrible. Sometimes I cry. It happens. 

Sometimes I get depressed. I have days where I want to wear jeans and one of Dan’s sweatshirts and just curl up and not exist as a human. How do I explain to my friends and boyfriend that I am just having a down day when I’m usually so bubbly and bright and silly? Depression doesn’t mean anything anymore because of the internet. I feel this crushing, worrying feeling (which is why I’m up at one in the morning blogging about it instead of sleeping) and feel even worse.

I feel bad because I am depressed. I feel like a bad girlfriend when I want to borrow Daniel’s sweatshirt because his scent calms me down and makes me feel safe. I feel like a bad girlfriend when I want him to hold me and kiss me because I know he has other things to do and might not have time for me. I rationalize my own depression symptoms with I’m being selfish. Or I’m just a bitchy girlfriend. 

It’s why I apologize to him constantly. My friends I feel less bad about because we all have bad days and sometimes they don’t want to talk either and that’s cool. But the person I kiss and hug? I need extra kisses and hugs sometimes. I need to borrow clothes. I need to be held and told that I’m going to be okay. Daniel is really good at picking up on most of my nonverbal depressive cues and I’m super grateful for him and to him for that, but I hope that he understands: I am depressed. It happens. It’s not all the time but it does happen. 

And I’m sorry…but should I have to be?