Marks. (Duet)

groundlingsup:

The first stanza is mine, as is every other stanza in the poem. I co-wrote this through comments and posted poems with the lovely wbdeejay! Thank you so much for all your support and lovely comments.

Originally posted on 42 Days Younger than Kylie:

It’s not that I didn’t try
It’s just
That there’s nothing in my house
Sharp enough to leave
A mark

Leave a mark somewhere else
then, leave a mark
on my heart, as
a reminder
that we are both real

But the hurt isn’t the same
and I can’t control
the pounding in my head
silencing your voice
your rationality

My heart bleeds
already, marked by your pain
listen to my screams
inject them into your veins
antidote to your poison

You’re holding my head
above the rising water
and I’m clinging to you
in wild desperation
sending my thanks
with each struggling breath

Don’t struggle
I will take the heat, the hurt,
the pressure, the weight
let it all go
so you will float to safety
I can breathe underwater

.

[ This duet started as my response to “Mark” by the very talented groundlingsup and grew from there…

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I’m Not Okay (I Promise)

A reference to one of my favorite MCR songs, as well as a statement of my current emotional situation. I am not okay. Not even in the slightest. I just ranted at Daniel about how much I hate him while on a beach where we had our six month picnic for a solid half an hour. I told him everything he ever did wrong with me. Everything he should never do to another girl.

Because he got a new girlfriend. Her name is Nicole. She is the drum major next year.

And they’re probably perfect for each other. Awkward, confused, emotionless…

Either way, I’m left here with a broken heart to watch him go prancing off with a new lady love. When will my heart heal? Are there any young Prince Charmings out there who want to come hang out and bring me flowers, a large fluffy blanket, cookies, and some movies? I’d be down for that. Please…

Because I’m really depressed right now and trying to keep alive. Because I registered for college and it’s going to be great. I just need the motivation to make it there. Be my friend, be my pal. Email me! If you’d like to be penpals, drop me a comment. Please. Anything. I need human contact.

Night Changes (Rated R)

Yes, the title of this post is based on a song by One Direction, and no I do not give a single fuck. I like that song. I like One Direction.

But that’s not what I need to get off my chest. This blog honestly saves my life once a week, when the stress levels have built up to a level I cannot handle by myself. Thank you, internet, for being the unwilling audience to my comedic tragedy of a high school career.

I’m so angry at Daniel. I fucking hate him. I hate his stupid ugly hair cut, I hate his mandolin, I hate the fact his clothes never match. I hate the way he looks at me now, like I need his pity. I hate him. Hate him.

I hate the way he always has to be the smartest person in the room, and when he’s not, he makes you feel like shit about yourself for knowing more than him. I hate that he always has to be right no matter what the argument is about. I hate that no matter how often I text Logan (who is extremely cute and really likes me) or Kevin (who is the best snuggle buddy/emotional support ever) I still feel like shit, like it’s my fault he broke up with me.

I worked my ass off for that boy and that relationship. I tried so hard to befriend his friends, to incorporate him into my group in return. I should have known long ago that he didn’t care and didn’t want to be part of my world. I was a novelty, a first girlfriend! Look at him and his shiny new instrument. He learned how to play me and when he got bored, I was just left behind to dust.

And here I am, back at square one. It’s the end of my goddamn senior year of high school and I’m breaking down in tears in the hallway because I fucking miss that arrogant prick and the way he used to kiss me. The way he used to look at me like I was special. The way he ONCE UPON A FUCKING TIME actually CAME THE FUCK THROUGH when he promised me something.

But high school ends and shit happens and life is shitty.

Today I registered at college. I’m an English major. I’m probably going to be homeless but I don’t give a single fuck because I love English. I’m going to be a professor someday and have my PhD and teach eager little word nerds like me that Shakespeare was bisexual as fuck and wrote nothing but dick jokes and virginity puns.

But for right now I’m a really sad high school girl who just wants to enjoy her last few days of school. So fuck Daniel, I’m a goddamn Princess. He can kiss my ass.

Prom 2015

I had an absolutely amazing Senior Prom! I got all prettied up with my cousins and Mom, and then my family took photos with me. Mamma2 and Papa even got driven up from their little town about an hour away to see me all dressed up. I felt like a princess and did my hair to match Cinderella from the new movie. Just like I wanted my dress to resemble.

Kevin came over around 5:30 and we took more pictures. We posed in the yard and goofed around. Prom picture poses ranged from James Bond to Casablanca themed. I had a lot of fun goofing around with Kevin, not really worrying about being self conscious.

The dance was pretty great, too! Britney, Kevin and I had a 3-way slow dance and that was fun. They also danced with me the whole night to so many songs. My friend Charlie also won Prom King, which I was hoping for. It was overall just a good night.

I’m so brain dead from Tech rehearsal for Alice and work that I’m keeping this post short and vague. I just wanted anyone who cared to know that I’m doing much better and that Prom was amazing thanks to my amazing friends.

Can’t we be seventeen?

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This song has ruined my day completely. It’s from Heathers: The Musical and it has completely ruined everything. It’s the song describing everything I wanted to do with Daniel this summer. This song is what I tried to do to save us and how badly I failed. I’m so sad, so broken. Two weeks ago tonight he left me in his driveway sobbing and shattered and I haven’t healed yet.

I wish I was. But now I have to go on with my life without the person I wanted to spend my last summer with. And it totally sucks. “I want to be with you tonight…”

Tomorrow is my senior prom and I won’t be going with the boy I love. We won’t dance together. We won’t slow dance. He’ll never see me in my beautiful dress that I picked out just to show him. Just to make me feel special and beautiful for one night. He’s never going to say how beautiful I am again. Because he doesn’t want me…

Here I am, in love with him still. Crying again the night before my senior prom and listening to sad off Broadway musicals. How lame. This was supposed to be my weekend to be a princess. To have the 80’s movie moment with my boyfriend. To wrap up my senior year in a nice little bow before he and I amicably parted ways at the end of the summer to become adults. But no, I’m alone in my bed sobbing.

And nobody is here to hold me. Nobody called to tell me goodnight. Nobody will excitedly text me “good morning, little duck” the day of our senior prom.

God, I’m so sad.

Human Contact

I feel so content and happy right now, I do not even have the right words. It’s beyond that. This level of calm good-mood has been absent for so long it’s impossible to recall the last time I felt like this.

After school, I went over to Kevin’s house, where we promptly got in his car and drove over to a local park. He led me down a trail and set up the hammock between two nice trees (although there was a stump below us and that was kind of scary). But then we just cuddled! He just held me and I held him back and it was so nice! It is amazing to feel physical affection without worrying at all if the other person doesn’t want to be there or thinks they ‘have’ to be there. Kevin isn’t obligated to like me, much less hang out and snuggle with me.

To be held by another human is a beautiful feeling. He kept pushing my hair out of my face gently and stroking my forehead or arm or side or whatever with his thumb and held my hand…

All without making me feel guilty for enjoying it. We had no awkward silences, he laughed at most of my dumb jokes, we even made puns! I haven’t enjoyed puns in awhile. Kevin made me feel completely at ease and welcome and just happy. He even complimented me and said nice things for no good reason.

The best part? No romantic feelings. Just pure, undiluted, happy friendly snuggles with nothing but positive smiley side effects.

Thank the universe for Kevin!