The end of the world…and I’m not fine at all

He broke up with me.

That’s it. It’s over.

1 week before AP tests, 2 weeks before my senior prom.

In his driveway. I cried. He cried a little, too. Not as much.

I’m very sad and very lonely and angry. I don’t want to be alone. I want to be held. I want someone to tell me I’m okay and that I’m beautiful and worth something, worth anything.

Why does love hurt? Why can’t it just end? Why can’t we just love one person only and forever so we never feel this horrible pain that rips us apart from the inside? It’s like my lungs are crushed. I can’t get air. I can’t get light…everything is just dying.

Prom 2015 (Prelude)

It’s weird just how much Prom has been on my mind. Honestly, this is the thing I was most looking forward to this year. I’m still looking forward to it. I’m going to look so pretty in my periwinkle dress with the flowing skirt and the bejeweled bodice. I love my dress. I’m going to do my hair up all fancy and wear very little makeup. Britney and I are going to dance together for sure.

But a date…

A date…

All through my high school career I dreamed of the big Senior Promposal. It was going to be beautiful. Not necessarily huge or difficult to plan…but something meaningful and cute that would make both of us blush. People would say how cute we are. I would have a nice last memory of my last high school dance.

But now I’m not even sure Daniel is going to ask me. And if he doesn’t, no one else is going to.

I should be worrying about the AP European History test, but I’m not. I’m only worried about a stupid date to a stupid dance. Just a few hours of my life…and it’s not even a huge deal in the grand scheme of things. But it’s important to senior year high school me. I want that princess moment, like every girl does.

The End of the World as I Know It (and I’m Freaking Out)

Today is a big day for me. Today is the day that puts my entire relationship in the balance. The entire end of my senior year of high school and now I have to deal with this. The one thing I thought was going to be okay in the end is going to absolute shit right in front of my eyes and it totally sucks more than anything else I’ve ever experienced in my life (at this point, and of course I’m probably exaggerating but it feels like death).

This week has to go perfectly so I can keep my boyfriend. How sucky is that? Super sucky. This week, the week I have to work an extra night shift (which make me pretty anxious). This week, the week I thought I would be asked to Prom.

Why this week? Why now? Why couldn’t this all have happened before The Mountain Goats concert? Why couldn’t I just have had some ibuprofen in my purse so Daniel didn’t have a headache anymore? Why couldn’t he just have done this back in March when the problems started?

And for those reading this who think well why not just end it, then? Because I’ve been generally happy. Things have been good. The entries in my journal  have improved a ton since March, The Bad Month, and I was back on track to being all positive and giddy again. And here I am staring loneliness in the face like the gaping black hole that it is. Right before my senior Prom. Right before graduation. Right before what I thought was going to be the best summer of my entire existence…

But by Friday it could all go flying out the window. Like a vacuum in space, everything sucked out into the open and tossed around like a windstorm. And I’ll be free-floating all alone, unable to look to the stars for help because they’ll only remind me of him.

I don’t know what to do except be freakishly happy in the face of my impending ‘Happily Never After’.

I am just too tired to fight this. Here’s to this week…and here goes nothing…

April 17th 2015, The Majestic Theatre, John Darnielle

Last night was the night of The Mountain Goats concert. It was a very strange night. As we stood in line with our tickets, Daniel was ill. He had a headache and didn’t feel good, so he wasn’t very talkative and was very snippy and irritable. It was miserable. I didn’t want to be there, I was close to just texting my Dad and asking him to pick me up.

But I’m glad I didn’t. Once we got inside and bought t-shirts (the merch was so cool!) we stood relatively close to the stage, probably about 15 feet away, and waited. Nine rolled around and the opening band, Mutoid Man started playing. He had some seriously killer guitar skills and he sang mostly covers. I really liked the cover he did of a band called “Morphine” and their song “I’m Free Now”. It was so good!

I felt a little better…Daniel did too. But not all the way. And so we were still pretty irritable with each other and I was sad and he was annoyed.

But then…after probably half an hour of waiting…JOHN DARNIELLE APPEARED! As did all the other Goats. The drummer was really entertaining and the bassist looked like my friend Charlie. The other guy looked like my freshman year spanish teacher and played everything from the keyboard to the guitar and the saxophone. He was really cool.

John danced around the stage like a little kid every song he played. He and the bassist would play their instruments really close to each other and laugh and John kept kicking up his legs and headbanging. In my words: Someone gave a giant nerd a crowd and a nice guitar.

In my favorite happening of the night, which I almost forgot about until Daniel reminded me in the car on the way home: John pointed at us! He played the song “Never Quite Free”, which is the song I did my ASL interpretation of and that Daniel recorded just a few weeks before we started dating. It was the recorded song that I fell asleep to a lot of nights. So, of course, I sang along and cried a little bit. Real tears actually fell from my eyes when they got to the part, “And you’ll never want for comfort and you’ll never be alone.” Right at those lyrics, Daniel was holding me from behind and we were swaying and John Darnielle pointed right at us! It was amazing. I was so happy. And it was pretty distinct because there was a gap the size of two people in front of us on the floor so he couldn’t have been pointing at another couple.

That concert was fantastic! I wouldn’t say it was the best I’ve been to, for a couple reasons, but buying those tickets was the best decision I could have made. Getting to see one of Daniel’s (and now my) favorite bands live, so close, with him, was amazing. During the love songs he would hold me. During the sad songs he would play with my hair from behind. During the pumped up songs he sang along right in my ear and danced around.

Happy 1 year, Daniel (even though tomorrow it will have been 14), you will never want for comfort and you’ll never be alone. I love you so much…

And I hope everyone has a super nice day!

You Didn’t Save My Life, but Your Music Did

A lot of people who have been really depressed or suicidal often find someone to pull them out of it. Usually it’s a famous actor, actress, historical figure, or musician. When I was in 8th grade and The Notebook Incident happened, I was going to take my life. Well, at least I really wanted to. At one point I was sitting down staring at my Dad (a pharmacist)’s giant bottle of Acetaminophen and wondering how long it would take to go under for good.

But I had someone, as we all do, who kept me afloat. Actually I had two someones, or groups of someones. I had two very punk bands. My Chemical Romance and Tokio Hotel, who I still love to this day.

Tokio Hotel and MCR didn’t save my life, but their lyrics gave me the strength to save myself. My Chemical Romance told me that “I am not afraid to keep on living.” and Tokio Hotel asked me to “Please don’t jump.” Their lyrics made me realize that I had friends to fall back on, even if I had to completely rebuild friendships from the ground up.

Looking back and thinking on the 4 years between the day I almost died and now, I’m so glad that those bands gave me strength to keep going. They didn’t save my life, I did that myself. But they sure as hell helped keep me determined even as I sat awake at night and told myself I wasn’t going to hurt myself again. Even on the nights when I did.

Listen to your favorite band, love them, memorize every word. They will always be there for you when the rest of the world isn’t.

Who are you calling a witch?

My stepmom brought home at least 12 bags home from her mom’s house a few days ago. They’ve been sitting in the corner of the kitchen, gathering even MORE dust than they came with. Today as I was walking by I noticed a book on the top of one of the piles titled “Wicca”. Underneath that book was another titled “In the Circle”, both about the basics of paganism and witchcraft; a subject I’ve been desperate to learn about for a really long time.

My Mom is a very violent Christian and could not handle me learning anything about paganism or witchcraft, much less practicing. The thing is, I like the idea of witchcraft and energy much more than the appeal of Christianity. Witches, as far as I have learned, are very naturalist.

No bigotry or hate, here.

So yeah, I really intend to learn about and maybe implement some Witchcraft in my life. I’m not saying I’m going to pledge fully to the lifestyle, but some change might help my mental state and from (again) what I’ve read so far, it’s very ‘earth-energy’ based. Earth energy healing stuff and yoga-esque focus are good for me from personal practice.

I’m excited to learn more about witchcraft and how it can help me grow as a person and hopefully increase my mental stability.

Under a Full Moon

There’s something magical about a clear night with a full moon. I drove home from a particularly good shift with my window half-way down and my hair out of its tight ponytail. The local oldies radio station was playing “Hungry Like the Wolf” (one of my favorite Duran Duran songs) and I felt so full of energy. I didn’t even want to shower and sleep immediately after getting home, which is unusual.

Something is so energizing and pure about a clear night sky and a warm atmosphere. I stood in my driveway in my jeans and t-shirt looking up and smiling at all of the five constellations I could see and name.

Nature in all its great wonder, spread out before me. I could see those same stars in a month when I’m at the drive-in with Daniel. I will see those same stars when I go camping with a group of our friends. The evening sky is something so magical and beautiful, and the world looks so silvery and mysterious with the light of the full moon pulling out the detail.

I don’t need to fear the darkness tonight, because the moon is full and I am happy.