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Final Post (This is the End)

Alright guys, I graduated yesterday. And do you know what that means? This blog is officially finished. My transition from high school to college and my journey through college will all be recorded on my new blog, which you can find HERE and also in my bio on this blog.

Thank you so much for those of you who have supported me through high school and read my stupid stories. Thank you for reading my bad poetry and liking my pictures. Thank you for dealing with the drama, the highs and lows, and the weird amalgam of crazy that is my life.

Thank you a billion times. Now to start over and start fresh on a new blog. If you’d like to continue hearing about me, feel free to follow. If you’re done with my writing, that’s totally cool too. I just wanted to say that all of you, every single one, is beautiful. Thank you for following me!

In the words of My Chemical Romance, “So long and goodnight.”

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By George, I Think I’ve Got It!

Today I read through the blog I made for Daniel and I didn’t feel sad. Today I went to the beach where we had our 6-month picnic and I didn’t feel sad. I didn’t think angry thoughts about him, didn’t hate him, didn’t even associate a feeling with him. I don’t miss him, miss our relationship…

And I’m so happy! I don’t know what did it, maybe it was the M&M’s in my purse, the One Direction song playing on my phone, or the sound of the waves on the sand. Maybe it was the feeling of warm sand under my feet or freezing water lapping at my ankles. Maybe it was the way I smiled in the selfies I took on the shore of the lake. Maybe it was driving there and home with the windows of my Dad’s car down, blasting music and letting the wind whip my hair around.

I don’t know what it was. But suddenly I am so very happy.

I don’t want a relationship again. I don’t even want to kiss anybody. I just want to be free and be myself and wear a lot of red lipstick (which I’ve found looks very nice on me) and think about happy things all the time. That’s it. That’s all I want. This summer is going to be amazing and I am going to have so much fun with my friends. Hanging out, being chill, enjoying late nights and early mornings and long work days and quiet days off. Sunny days, stormy days, happy days and sad days.

I forgot how beautiful it feels to get over a bout of depression and come out the other side with the sun shining out of my heart and a smile on my face.

This is the beauty of living and I’ve finally found it again!

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Jane’s Self-Care Tips

Alright! Since I’m going through a major depressive bout, I’ve decided to share with the world my self-care methods in the hopes it may help one of the many other depressed humans on this beautiful blue planet. Here goes!

1) Baths

Take a long, warm (but not hot) bath. Use Epsom salt (about 1 cup for every 2 gallons of water) to relieve sore muscles and reduce bruising for stuff like sports or work injuries. Use a bath bomb or scented bath salts to relax and calm your brain. Floral and minty scents are the best for this, especially lavender, a natural sleep aid!

2) Tea

Herbal and floral teas are the best for when I’m feeling tired and just a little bit more to help finally sleep or relax. Chamomile and rose are great for relaxing, lavender as well but it’s a little on the strong side. Peppermint is really awesome for clarity and studying because it stimulates the brain. My instant-cure for migraines is a cup of long-brewed black tea with milk and 2 teaspoons of sugar. That cures any headache almost instantly and I love it.

3) Making Me Pretty

If it’s before bed (generally this is the case) I will shave my legs in the shower and apply gently scented (or if you’re allergic, non scented) lotion to my legs so they’re super soft and awesome. Taking care of myself makes me feel more confident, relaxed, and happy. If it’s during the day or in the morning, I will apply a little extra makeup to make myself feel more jazzed up. Usually it’s eyeliner or a fun shade of eyeshadow.

4) Funderwear

Don’t lie and say that your undies can’t affect your mood, because they totally can. On bad days I wear a fun pair of underwear that make me smile and feel confident and comfortable.

Those are just a few things, and I’m sure there will be a part 2 to this post, I just wanted this out there tonight for anybody who needs the extra love or suggestions. MWAH! BE STRONG, LIVE HARD, LOVE HARDER!

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sad playlist #2

I haven’t been eating

Or really sleeping

Can’t bear dreaming

Or breathing

Or thinking about much

Drown it in smiles

Kill it with kindness

Disguise it with makeup

Dark eyeliner

Heavy lipstick

Cover it in flannel

Brush it out of my face

Still not eating

Breathing

Sleeping

I’m too full of hate

And sadness

Bitter thoughts like coffee

Pulling me under

Holding me down

And pushing me out

I’m dying slowly

So hold me

And tell me I’ll be alright

I’ll make it through tonight…

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Marks. (Duet)

The first stanza is mine, as is every other stanza in the poem. I co-wrote this through comments and posted poems with the lovely wbdeejay! Thank you so much for all your support and lovely comments.

42 Days Younger than Kylie

It’s not that I didn’t try
It’s just
That there’s nothing in my house
Sharp enough to leave
A mark

Leave a mark somewhere else
then, leave a mark
on my heart, as
a reminder
that we are both real

But the hurt isn’t the same
and I can’t control
the pounding in my head
silencing your voice
your rationality

My heart bleeds
already, marked by your pain
listen to my screams
inject them into your veins
antidote to your poison

You’re holding my head
above the rising water
and I’m clinging to you
in wild desperation
sending my thanks
with each struggling breath

Don’t struggle
I will take the heat, the hurt,
the pressure, the weight
let it all go
so you will float to safety
I can breathe underwater

.

[ This duet started as my response to “Mark” by the very talented groundlingsup and grew from there…

View original post 9 more words

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I’m Not Okay (I Promise)

A reference to one of my favorite MCR songs, as well as a statement of my current emotional situation. I am not okay. Not even in the slightest. I just ranted at Daniel about how much I hate him while on a beach where we had our six month picnic for a solid half an hour. I told him everything he ever did wrong with me. Everything he should never do to another girl.

Because he got a new girlfriend. Her name is Nicole. She is the drum major next year.

And they’re probably perfect for each other. Awkward, confused, emotionless…

Either way, I’m left here with a broken heart to watch him go prancing off with a new lady love. When will my heart heal? Are there any young Prince Charmings out there who want to come hang out and bring me flowers, a large fluffy blanket, cookies, and some movies? I’d be down for that. Please…

Because I’m really depressed right now and trying to keep alive. Because I registered for college and it’s going to be great. I just need the motivation to make it there. Be my friend, be my pal. Email me! If you’d like to be penpals, drop me a comment. Please. Anything. I need human contact.

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Night Changes (Rated R)

Yes, the title of this post is based on a song by One Direction, and no I do not give a single fuck. I like that song. I like One Direction.

But that’s not what I need to get off my chest. This blog honestly saves my life once a week, when the stress levels have built up to a level I cannot handle by myself. Thank you, internet, for being the unwilling audience to my comedic tragedy of a high school career.

I’m so angry at Daniel. I fucking hate him. I hate his stupid ugly hair cut, I hate his mandolin, I hate the fact his clothes never match. I hate the way he looks at me now, like I need his pity. I hate him. Hate him.

I hate the way he always has to be the smartest person in the room, and when he’s not, he makes you feel like shit about yourself for knowing more than him. I hate that he always has to be right no matter what the argument is about. I hate that no matter how often I text Logan (who is extremely cute and really likes me) or Kevin (who is the best snuggle buddy/emotional support ever) I still feel like shit, like it’s my fault he broke up with me.

I worked my ass off for that boy and that relationship. I tried so hard to befriend his friends, to incorporate him into my group in return. I should have known long ago that he didn’t care and didn’t want to be part of my world. I was a novelty, a first girlfriend! Look at him and his shiny new instrument. He learned how to play me and when he got bored, I was just left behind to dust.

And here I am, back at square one. It’s the end of my goddamn senior year of high school and I’m breaking down in tears in the hallway because I fucking miss that arrogant prick and the way he used to kiss me. The way he used to look at me like I was special. The way he ONCE UPON A FUCKING TIME actually CAME THE FUCK THROUGH when he promised me something.

But high school ends and shit happens and life is shitty.

Today I registered at college. I’m an English major. I’m probably going to be homeless but I don’t give a single fuck because I love English. I’m going to be a professor someday and have my PhD and teach eager little word nerds like me that Shakespeare was bisexual as fuck and wrote nothing but dick jokes and virginity puns.

But for right now I’m a really sad high school girl who just wants to enjoy her last few days of school. So fuck Daniel, I’m a goddamn Princess. He can kiss my ass.

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Prom 2015

I had an absolutely amazing Senior Prom! I got all prettied up with my cousins and Mom, and then my family took photos with me. Mamma2 and Papa even got driven up from their little town about an hour away to see me all dressed up. I felt like a princess and did my hair to match Cinderella from the new movie. Just like I wanted my dress to resemble.

Kevin came over around 5:30 and we took more pictures. We posed in the yard and goofed around. Prom picture poses ranged from James Bond to Casablanca themed. I had a lot of fun goofing around with Kevin, not really worrying about being self conscious.

The dance was pretty great, too! Britney, Kevin and I had a 3-way slow dance and that was fun. They also danced with me the whole night to so many songs. My friend Charlie also won Prom King, which I was hoping for. It was overall just a good night.

I’m so brain dead from Tech rehearsal for Alice and work that I’m keeping this post short and vague. I just wanted anyone who cared to know that I’m doing much better and that Prom was amazing thanks to my amazing friends.

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Can’t we be seventeen?

This song has ruined my day completely. It’s from Heathers: The Musical and it has completely ruined everything. It’s the song describing everything I wanted to do with Daniel this summer. This song is what I tried to do to save us and how badly I failed. I’m so sad, so broken. Two weeks ago tonight he left me in his driveway sobbing and shattered and I haven’t healed yet.

I wish I was. But now I have to go on with my life without the person I wanted to spend my last summer with. And it totally sucks. “I want to be with you tonight…”

Tomorrow is my senior prom and I won’t be going with the boy I love. We won’t dance together. We won’t slow dance. He’ll never see me in my beautiful dress that I picked out just to show him. Just to make me feel special and beautiful for one night. He’s never going to say how beautiful I am again. Because he doesn’t want me…

Here I am, in love with him still. Crying again the night before my senior prom and listening to sad off Broadway musicals. How lame. This was supposed to be my weekend to be a princess. To have the 80’s movie moment with my boyfriend. To wrap up my senior year in a nice little bow before he and I amicably parted ways at the end of the summer to become adults. But no, I’m alone in my bed sobbing.

And nobody is here to hold me. Nobody called to tell me goodnight. Nobody will excitedly text me “good morning, little duck” the day of our senior prom.

God, I’m so sad.