October 24th, 2014 (The Really Bad Night)

Anyone who regularly reads my little posts on this godforsaken teen blog might remember that really horrible on-the-verge-of-death post I made back in late October. The night of the culmination of a month’s worth of heavy depressive episodes. I posted about it (Do Not Read This Post) and that night will probably stick with me for many years.

That was the first night in 5 years that I wanted to kill myself. I wanted more than anything to be dead. I’m okay now, so why am I bringing it back up? Why revisit such a horrible experience?

Because I went to someone for help on that night, someone who did, in the end, did help. There is something that everyone needs to know, though, that the human who helped me did rather wrong: Do not divert your attention from a person seeking help or comfort.

I know you want to make them feel better and that maybe this thing will make them feel better, but turning your attention away makes them think that they are not worth it. Those depressive thoughts will hit harder you are not worth their time. You will never earn their love. This other thing is more important than you. Because that is exactly how I felt and how several others with depression have told me about feeling in the presence of someone they went to help for. If a person comes to you and they request your love, there is a reason they picked you and came to you and not someone else.

Do not get distracted. If you cannot deal with them or their situation, tell them straight up. Tell them you can’t do it, that you don’t know how, that you aren’t comfortable. They will find someone to help them. I could have gone to another friend. I could have found someone else. But I chose someone in particular and they spent most of the time I was there goofing around with their music.

Know what that felt like? Like my problem was no big deal. Like they didn’t care. Like I was just being stupid.

A big part of me wanted to get off the couch, put on my shoes, and slam the door closed behind me. I wanted to drive my stepmom’s van off the road. Then maybe somebody would care. But I didn’t. I sat there and smiled and faked like I was feeling better because that’s the kind of person I am.

They didn’t want me there in the first place, I should have gone somewhere else for comfort. But I want anyone who cares to know: if you can handle a person having a major depressive breakdown or episode and they come to you seeking affection or care or comfort or whatever: give it with all of your attention. Do not lose focus. Do not allow them to believe that they are unimportant in any way. You are the people who will save lives and impact that person forever.

Shall We Dance?

Inspired to watch this again by a conversation with Dan, I remembered just how much I loved this musical as a child. This song, especially. Whenever it would play I would clumsily waltz by myself, my arms around an invisible Yul Brynner.
This musical means a lot to me and this song does too. If you watch, you’ll want to smile and dance along. Even the instrumental part without any lyrics at all is moving and wonderful.
Shall we dance?

My Boy

This is Sebastian. He’s one of the most kind, handsome, sweet, talented, intelligent, adoring, loving, loyal, brave, perfect people I have ever met in my life or probably ever will. I love him with all of my heart and he is the best friend I’ve ever had or will ever had. Sadly, though, we will never be together in the way we would do so well to be.
Sebastian and I have an undeniable connection that has lasted through many years of friendship. He was the first guy I was ever brave enough to kiss on the cheek. We spent countless hours together being silly and talking on skype over the summers. He stayed the night after our Freshman homecoming and ate brownies and ice cream and watched Howl’s Moving Castle with me until the early morning hours.
He was the only guy to come to my 14th birthday party, during which we rode in a car for an hour with two other girls to my grandparent’s house to swim and eat. In fact I’ve never met a guy with such a good appetite.
Sebastian writes beautifully. He’s witty, sharp, and knows when to verbally bitch-slap me when I’m being stupid or dramatic. Yet he’s there with a shoulder for me to cry on if I need him. He never lets me hurt by myself and cares about everyone he meets. Sebby knows how to deal out tough love in the right amounts. “Two parts love and one part abuse!”
I was the first person he came out to. “I figured if I couldn’t like you, I couldn’t like girls at all.”
Sebastian is one of the best friends I will ever have, and I love him more than anything. If I want to keep in touch with anyone after high school, it’s this boy. My best friend. My brother. The man I would marry if he liked women, no doubt. My boy.

Red Disc, Track 12

When I was little, my parents divorced. My Mom remarried and lived with her husband, my Dad lived an hour away (where we all live now). My Dad got my brother and I Sunday-Tuesday, and Mom had us for the rest of the week. During the weekly hour car ride to and from my Mother’s house, my brother and I begged our Dad to listen to two Disney Classics CDs I’d gotten for my sixth or seventh birthday. It was either those two, Metallica, Iron Maiden, or the Cars (strange variety, I know). Volume One was a blue CD and Volume Two was red. Volume Two, the red disc, track 12 was my favorite song. 

“Let’s Get Together” as sung by Hayley Mills from “The Parent Trap”. Somewhere in the back of my mind, I knew that I loved that song because a part of me wanted my parents to get back together so we could be a family again. I knew, as I know now, that it wouldn’t and will never happen (both my parents are happily remarried) but I was young and naive and hopeful. What else could I do but request, “Red disc number twelve, Daddy!”

My Dad would sing along to the songs sometimes. He liked the ones that said girl a lot because he always changed it to squirrel. My favorite memory of him during those tragically long back-and-forth car rides was him singing along to The Little Mermaid with me and making me giggle by singing “You know you wanna kiss the squirrel!” Just to make me act up and tell him he was doing it all wrong. Or if you said “Country!” he would spazz out and pretend to die because my Dad can’t stand country music. Neither do I, really. I’m Daddy’s little rock-‘n-roll rebel child. 

But I digress. I don’t know if Disney meant to do it, or if that song was just part of a film meant to entertain, but when Hayley recorded both halves of that song…she recorded a song that would be my ray of hope in a time when I was very confused and very sad. Thank you, red disc, track 12, for always making me smile. And thank you, Dad, for always playing it. 

We’re All in This Together

Kids from the generation before me and the generation after me don’t understand: but I do. I get it. I feel the same way as some of my peers. There will kids who will always say, “That’s really stupid, why would you ever like something like that?” and then there’s me…

I love High School Musical.

Despite the major cheese factor and the unlikely relationship that Troy and Gabriella have, HSM has a lot of really good points in it that will always apply to high school for the average teen. Sans the dancing and singing cast, HSM and HS are very similar.  

Stick to the Status Quo – it’s true. Despite the fact that school administration say “oh, look how the schools are changing for the better, look at how kids get along!” There is still that essence of ‘belonging’ and being afraid to break away from your initial friend group to pursue an interest or passion because of being afraid of what your peers and friends will think of you, and your fear of being rejected by the group you want to be a part of.

Scream – This HSM3 song is true. What are our dreams for high school, college, life? We’re growing up and changing and suddenly: there’s the future, right in front of us. It’s looming and scary and dangerous. What are we going to do? How are we going to make a living in this crazy, messed-up world? Do our parents dictate our fate, our teachers, us? Help!

Gotta Go my Own Way – High school relationships are difficult. Adults don’t give kids in high school enough credit for the broken hearts and damaged egos they obtain in these sorts of relationships. There’s a lot involved with being in a successful relationship, more than high schoolers can understand, though. Finances, lust, trust, love, life, and education. Troy and Gabriella even fought and broke up once in the series, but were brought back together by Disney magic in the end. Without the help of said magic, how are we supposed to know which decisions to make about love? 

Despite my deep love for the cheesy romance, musical/dance numbers, and beautiful cast, HSM taught me a lot. Sure, I was disappointed when on my last day of freshman year nobody stood up on the tables and started singing really loudly and enthusiastically about it being summer…but High School Musical will always be a part of me. I grew up with Troy, Gabriella, Ryan, Sharpay, Kelsey, Taylor, and Chad. They’re all important to me. I laughed, cried, and sang with them. I fell in love with them and for them.

High School Musical is important to me. Because in this big, scary world that I am yet unprepared to take on we’re all in this together.

Think of Me

Think of Me

So last time I wrote about David, I painted him in a rather angry light. I mean, yes, he’s kind of a player, but he’s also one of my absolute best friends (even though I have convinced myself hardcore that he doesn’t like me at all and wishes I’d never speak to him again). 

But I must rectify the potential internet damage I may have inflicted on poor David. He’s a sweetheart. He and I have lots of happy and funny memories together. He was the first guy to ever call me pretty, to slow dance with me, to kiss my cheek, to make me fall in love. He’ll always have a very specific part of my heart to call his own, a part no one else can possess or touch. 

I think the song attached to this post, Think of Me from Phantom of the Opera is very appropriate for David and I. Although we no longer have any romantic feelings towards each other I still stop and think of him and all the laughs we’ve had and the times he made me smile, cry, and generally feel. I’m not even sure he had romantic feelings towards me at all or if he just played pretend so I’d give him my Swiss Cake Roll at lunch. Boys, ya know?

I digress. One of my all-time favorite memories of David was when he played Honza in my eighth grade class’s production of I Never Saw Another Butterfly. It was a horrible play. I mean, the script is very well written and the premise is beautiful (a girl survives her horrible experience in Terezin, a German concentration camp during WWII) but there were just too many naughty jokes hidden and horrible edits made…our play was a disaster from the get-go and I was director. Anyway, David spent most of rehearsal goofing off and being a general pain. Come the performance, though, he pulls out of nowhere the most tear-jerking, melodramatic, romantic character. Honza was suddenly on the stage and performing in a zombie-costume paired with my cabby cap and a pea-coat. It was amazing and hilarious and wonderful.

I’ve had so many good times with him. But, alas, “They have their seasons, so do we.” Our love was not evergreen, nor as unchanging as the sea. Thus we are merely friends who barely communicate past the one phone call I received from him and the bored emails I send him after I’ve already emailed everyone else.

Well, on to another post. I have much to say tonight.

 

Reasons I Can’t Sleep

The boy in the picture is my crush from the 4th-8th grades. Yeah, a long time to love a boy who barely cares about your existence other than sharing several classes and him being chosen as the starring role in a bad play I directed for our English class once. Those were dark times, during which I learned how to write angsty poetry and sighed A LOT.
Anyway, it’s nearly 4am in the morning and I can’t sleep cause this stupid boy decided to crawl inside my thoughts and settle down for awhile. Apparently he likes to haunt me with the many memories I have with him. We held hands between the seats of the elementary school auditorium during the fireman visit because he knew I was terrified (and still am) of fire. He helped write a play with me in sixth grade. He and I have so many memories…I just wish they weren’t all for nothing sometimes.
I saw him at a viewing of The Princess Bride with a large group of friends just…well yesterday, now. I was dancing with Mel, my ginger girlfriend (my lesbian lover should ever I need one) when I get grabbed from behind, picked up, and spun around. “Who is that?”
“Hey, didja miss me?”
“Oh, hi David.”
Yeah, David. Or as I’ve called him through most of our 7 years of friendship, Deedee. Short, blond-brown hair and the most beautiful pair of brown eyes I have ever stared dramatically into. A great dancer with a gorgeous face and…he’s a player.
I learned THAT at a young age when he pitted me and my best friend against each other. Yeah, I used to give this kid half of my Swiss-Cake Roll at lunch every day. We sat on the same two swings at recess and talked to each other endlessly. He kissed me on the cheek under a desk during silent reading time in the fourth grade.
Ever since I’ve wanted to kiss him back.
But he is fickle when it comes to girls. He’s talented and beautiful and he knows it. He’s had plenty of girlfriends and from what I’ve heard, he’s good at playing them. He toys with people’s emotions. Just like he’s doing with me right now without even knowing it.
David is my first love. Not “was”, is. He will always have a place in my heart. Whenever I see him I will get butterflies. When he hugs me I’ll try to hold on a second or more longer just to breathe in the way he smells. I’ll get excited when he calls me, which he promised he would. I’ll think it’s cute, not obnoxious, when he tries to play Pokemon under his desk in English. I’ll laugh when his joke isn’t funny. I’ll ruffle his hair when he tells me not to. I’ll steal his hat, wave to him in the morning, make fun of his pea-coat…
I love Christian very much and no one can take his place as my boyfriend. He’s my first REAL long-term relationship and I have no intention of leaving him in the foreseeable future…
But David will always be special to me, and I will always love him.