I don’t even have a clue

Why am I crying?
I was happy earlier.
“Come stay at my house,” I said.
“Mmmmm sounds nice,” you replied.
The happy sound.
The “Mmmmm” that makes me smile.
It reverberates in my chest.
So why am I sad?
Why am I so lost?
You’re not the cause.
Yet…
I wish you could just put the goddamn world down and listen for once.
Because I’m spilling my heart describing supernovas…
And you’re listening to music.
But I love you more than words.
Always.
“Forever,” you promised.

Not confused, just worried.

A lot of people point fingers at bisexual people and say, “You’re just confused, you’ll pick one eventually.” But I can tell from personal experience that it’s not how it works. Since the hormones started flowing in the sixth grade, I knew that I was highly attracted to both boys and girls. Granted it is only certain boys and certain girls (as it is no matter what gender you like). I have liked both since I first liked something. 

Why didn’t I say so before, when I first figured it out? You’ve probably read about my highly religious family if you read this blog regularly (and I thank you highly for doing so, it makes me feel special). Coming out as bisexual with my Mom and Stepdad? Oh hell no. Not gonna happen. I told my friends that I was openly bicurious, but it was just a way for me to be who I am without REALLY letting anything slip. Bicurious isn’t the same. Bicurious is watered down. Bisexual? Woah, slow down there, Oh Confused One.

If my soulmate is a woman, I would marry her without thinking twice. I would have sex with her. I would adopt a child or have a child with her (they can do that, now!) and I would happily spend the rest of my life with another woman. I am just as sexually attracted to females as I am to males and I have always been that way. It’s just how I am.

I’m not at all afraid to come out to my Dad. He won’t care. He’ll shrug and take a sip of beer and say that it’s my life and my choices. My Mom would disown me. So I’m holding off coming out to my Mom. I’ve already come out on Tumblr, to my friends, and to some of my co-workers. 

And as a bisexual person, I can tell you that I’m not AUTOMATICALLY IN LOVE with every person I see. I have specific things that attract me to a person both physically and personality wise. Physical things can change depending on the gender, but I have a pretty set personality type that I like. Everyone works like that, sexuality aside. 

No, I am not interested in a threesome…unless it’s with Daniel and Jehan (Jehan and I joke about this a lot). No, I am not confused. No, I am not sexually diseased (yes people assume that bisexuals are diseased, why?). No, I am not promiscuous. In fact, I am still quite virginal. I just like both genders, that’s all. 

I Ain’t Missing You At All

Today, for the first time in 10 months, since our break-up, I hung out with Christian.

It was an odd experience, but it reminded me about why we broke up. He belittled Daniel for his ‘pansy’ ways. “Why would you choose a guy like him over a guy like me?” he asked. I didn’t answer the way I should have. I didn’t respond at all, really. I shrugged. I didn’t want to lose Chris as a friend, but inside I was monologuing about how wonderful Daniel is. He puts my happiness above his own sometimes. He cares about me. He goes out of his way to prove that he loves me. He makes me feel safe and protected. His friends are respectful of me and listen to what I say, unlike your asshole friends who touched me without permission and continued to do so after I asserted my negative feelings about it. 

I should have said these things out loud. I should have cut the ties, but I couldn’t.

We got to talking about sex and drugs (because we are teenagers) and he got upset and said, “At one point your virginity belonged to me.”

Excuse me, son? My virginity has, does, and always will belong to me. Nobody is going to ‘take’ my virginity. I am not going to ‘lose’ it to anyone. I am going to choose someone to give it to, because it is mine to give and not yours to take. That’s how virginity works, no matter how long we’ve been dating.  

I’m just mad. I agreed to see him again, but next time I’m going to prove to him just how perfect Daniel is, because there really isn’t a comparison.

“I don’t understand…”

“She’s so feminine and such a pretty girl, she’s just confused. The enemy has sent these challenges, but don’t worry. She’s just doing this because she won’t trust God to find an answer and she’s looking for it on her own. I don’t understand people like her.”

Or maybe Jehan just likes who they are. Yes, Jehan, who is biologically female but considers themselves (“they” being their preferred pronoun even though it is one human) genderfluid. I’ve previously blogged about them using their original name “Maya” but they prefer Jehan, so I’m going with it.

Do totally understand their decision? No. Am I going to be derogatory and degrading about it behind their back? No. Am I going to be respectful of them, their name, and their pronoun? Of course! Am I going to be curious and hope to better understand them? Duh, I’m their friend!

And I wish that people would respect other people’s choices. So what if you don’t understand it? That doesn’t have anything to do with you or your life, it’s theirs. Just accept that this other living, breathing, human being is different than you. Yes, the almighty You and all of Your opinions and Your ideals and YOUR YOUR YOUR but why don’t we stop and think of others?

YOUR religion doesn’t matter to them. YOUR idea of what is right and wrong is not the same as theirs. YOUR life does not in any way get to control THEIR life. 

So let it go, okay? Be who you are and let them be who they are.

 

Happy birthday to me.

Today is my birthday, a very monumental birthday, actually. I am now officially, legally an adult.

Around midnight, I got a Facebook message from my boyfriend. He wrote me a song and recorded it for me, which was extremely sweet of him (I cried). I absolutely adore it, and I couldn’t be more proud to be his girlfriend. I feel absolutely loved and cherished today.

I spent last night hanging out with Britney and watching “Newsies”. Today I get to have an amazing party, themed after Peter Pan (of course). It was supposed to be a beach party, but it’s raining and very chilly outside, so we’ll just make up games of our own. We’ll play cards and watch a movie and all snuggle and it will be fantastic! I’m very excited and happy.

Even though it rained, I have a beautiful song to listen to as I get ready. Even though it’s cold, I’ll be surrounded by people I love. Even though I’m an adult, I don’t have to grow up.

I’m a very loved, happy, excited little girl today. 

How I accidentally came out to myself…

So today at work (as all good stories start) a really attractive girl came in. She had short, pixie-cut hair and a Rufio tattoo on her upper arm. She was probably around my age, judging by her height, weight, and school ID (which she used to verify her purchase). 

“Dang,” I said to my coworker, Hailee, “I wish I was better at hitting on girls.”

“What?” Hailee asked.

“I wish I was better at hitting on girls,” I repeated, shrugging. 

“You’d date a girl?” 

“Yes.”

“Would you marry a girl and have sex with a girl?” Hailee inquired, sounding almost disgusted. It took me a second to realize that Hailee was asking me if I was bisexual.

“Yup. If my soulmate is female, I would definitely marry her and do the do with her,” I nodded. 

And that’s how I came out of the closet to myself and to my coworker as a bisexual.

Okay, so maybe I have been bi-curious for a long while. It’s no big secret that I’ve made out with several females in my lifetime and enjoyed it immensely. Does this change my relationship with Daniel? Not as far as I’m concerned. Am I going to flirt with girls even though I’m dating him? No, that’s rude and it’s the same as flirting with guys. Do I joke around with his gender-fluid friend Maya about a threesome? Yes, frequently, and it probably won’t stop. 

Ta-da! I’m bi. 

Maybe it’s phase, maybe it’s not. I’m open to what happens. Either way, I”m happy with who I am and what I want.