You’re not my Dad!

Yeah, the stereotypical line yelled by many characters at their not-fathers. Sometimes you see them as bratty, sometimes you understand why they’ve said it. 

I really understand why they said it. 

My parents divorced and both of them remarried. My Dad and his wife, Les, have been together for 10 years. Les and I have gone through many phases of step-parent-and-child together. I helped take care of her two biological sons, I helped at her gardening store, I stayed up late watching movies with her and my Dad…we’ve had good times together. But we’ve also fought over stupid stuff, yelled at each other, cried together, and been general bitches. 

That’s how it goes. It’s rough, rocky, and she’s a parent to me. I came to love and respect Les as I would love and respect a biological parent, but she stays at a more friendly distance, not really trying to rule my life. Sure, she’ll tell me I can’t make plans cause I have to babysit, but if I make last-minute plans and she doesn’t need me, she won’t try to make me stick around.

All in all, my stepmom and I have an awesome relationship built upon a decade of fights and forgiveness and love. 

Now…I present Bud. 

He has never been a step-parent before. He has five kids of his own, and he doesn’t really know how this gig works. He really upset me by asking my Mom to marry him without asking for Rory or I’s permission first, our blessing, seeing as we are her only 24/7 family. Really? She’s only had one other boyfriend serious enough about proposing and he asked us first, which was really appreciated. He cared about our opinion, but not Bud.

Bud does what he wants and demands respect, thinking that because he married our mother, he is father. Slow down there, kiddo, that’s not how it works. You have yet to gain my trust, my respect, or my love. Sure, I respect him now because he takes care of my very sick mother and loves her in her worst moments. But I don’t trust him because when she and I have a fight, he blames me. He tells me that it’s all my fault and that I need to apologize. Excuse me? We BOTH yelled, it’s OUR fault, and we will apologize to each other in due course. 

That’s the way it has been my entire life. Don’t expect to walk into this house, pay the electricity bill, and somehow become Dad. You are not my Dad. You will never be my Dad. You need to understand that and work towards a mutually respectful and loving relationship, like Les and I have. 

You’re not my Dad. 

Tall Child

I really do not appreciate Bryce enough on this blog.

Sometimes I have really crappy days, and I can always count on him to reply to my texts with something funny or nice. Even if I’m being a super-grouchy-pants, he’s there for me. He stuck around when Xena got hit and played hide-and-go-seek and goofed around and told jokes. He basically is like my own little personal piece of sunshine. 

He’s one of the most caring people I’ve ever met, and definitely one of the sweetest. 

Daniel is really busy, which I understand. Sometimes he can’t be there for me when I need someone. Know who usually can? Bryce. My Tall Child. If he can, he responds to my texts right away and doesn’t leave immediately if I’m in a bad mood. I try to be as good of a friend to him as he is to me, because I want him to stick around.

Bryce is one of the people I most want to stay in contact with after high school. It’s very rare to meet someone who’s willing to be a friend as well as family as well as a cuddle buddy if needed. 

I enjoy having adventures with him, and I look forward to another year of shenanigans together.  

Safety

Have you ever felt so safe and happy that you never wanted to move? In bed in the morning, with a parent, holding a cat while watching T.V., etcetera.

Today I felt that warm, all-consuming feeling of absolute safety. 

I was laying on my Grandma’s couch, my head resting on Daniel’s chest. His heartbeat was thud thud thudding in my ear, my eyes were aimed at the television but not really seeing anything, and I was wrapped in a soft red knit blanket. He did that thing I love where he slides his hand up and down my side. His other arm was supporting him, and it was easy for me to look up and see him.

Then we moved.

He had his head resting against my side, his arm wrapped around me, and his eyes closed. 

No one has ever made me feel so safe. Daniel, my busy bee, my love, my darling, makes me feel loved and safe and complete. 

XENA, NO!

Someone hit my beautiful car yesterday. She was parked in the parking lot (a completely empty parking lot, by the way) and some jerk with a boat rammed his trailer into her front right bumper, ripping it apart and potentially taking out a headlight (I haven’t had the chance to see if the headlight works properly or not, yet). 

Xena, the road Warrior Princess, has been potentially killed. Hopefully the damages can be repaired, but at their extent, I might need a new car. She still runs just fine, but she can’t stay in this shape forever.

My poor girl.

The thing that upset me most was the nonchalant attitude of the rude, overweight man and his son who hit my car in the first place. “Oops, my bad.” were his first words to me when I arrived on the scene (I had been a distance away with Daniel and Bryce). Really? They were insincere, didn’t apologize, and joked around about it with me like it was okay. It took a lot of self control for me to not completely lose it and start cussing them out.

That is my first car! It’s how I get to and from my minimum wage teenage job! Xena is important to me, I have an emotional attachment to her. And all you can say is, “Oops, my bad.”? 

ASSHOLES. 

“Homoerotic Subtext”

This is an excerpt from “The Reichenbach Fall”, the 3rd episode of the 2nd season of the popular BBC show “Sherlock”. This is honestly one of the most openly hilarious ‘no homo’ scenes in the entire show as John Watson panics over a newspaper article written about him and Sherlock. I just wanted to share it because I find it absolutely hilarious. I love Sherlock immensely for so many reasons, the underlying tones of potential-romance-but-mostly-bromance make me especially happy.

SHERLOCK: Why is it always the hat photograph?
JOHN (looking at the newspaper article): “Bachelor John Watson”?
SHERLOCK: What sort of hat is it anyway?
JOHN: “Bachelor”? What the hell are they implying?
SHERLOCK (holding up the hat and twisting it back and forth rapidly): Is it a cap? Why has it got two fronts?
JOHN (glancing up briefly): It’s a deerstalker. (He reads more of the article.) “Frequently seen in the company of bachelor John Watson …”
SHERLOCK: You stalk a deer with a hat? What are you gonna do – throw it?
JOHN (looking at another part of the article): “… confirmed bachelor John Watson”!
SHERLOCK: Some sort of death frisbee?
JOHN: Okay, this is too much. We need to be more careful.
SHERLOCK: It’s got flaps … ear flaps. It’s an ear hat, John.
(He accurately skims the hat across the room to John, who doesn’t have to do more than bend his wrist to catch it.)
SHERLOCK: What do you mean, “more careful”?

Maybe ever after…

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“Falling in love with love is falling for make believe!” – Cinderella (Rogers and Hammerstein) 

I know how that goes. I know all too well how easy it is to think you’re in love with someone because the idea of being in love is so grand. The elation upon seeing them, the comfort they give you, the way they make you warm inside when you think about them…but you’re only pretending because you want to feel that way. You don’t want to be alone, and so you fall in love with love but not with the person. I did that, once upon a time. I fell in love with the idea of love.

Daniel isn’t like that…and I’m honestly terrified. I am deeply, madly in love with this passionate, fiery, brave, wonderful boy. How am I going to say goodbye when the time comes? How am I supposed to let someone like him disappear into the void of adulthood and post-high-school goodbyes? Is it too soon to declare that I would like to love him forever? What would life without him be? “I know that a life without love is no life at all.” – Leonardo Di Vinci (Ever After) 

I am a teenage girl in real love for the first time and it is the most horrifying experience of my life. Daniel is everything I have ever hoped for and more, much more. I only wish I hadn’t found him so soon. For all the days I get to hold him in my arms and tell him how beautiful he is and kiss him, there are days to come where I will not see him at all. There may be days when he doesn’t even cross my mind and that is the worst feeling ever. 

I don’t want to hold him back. I want him to feel free to leave when the fancy takes him. Go, leave, be your own person, I am so proud of you… but why did you say “forever”? It was he who first used ‘forever’ in conversation and said maybe our “Okay” (The Fault in Our Stars) would be “Forever”. But I very rarely say forever because Daniel, beautiful Daniel, doesn’t like to think of the future or our future. 

This boy, who asks me what’s wrong when I sound off. Who argues with me about politics, debates with me about religion, and lets me win when he sees me getting frustrated. Who apologizes needlessly when I’m down. Who kisses me, hugs me, holds me, lends me his jacket, sings to me, loves me…

What am I going to do when he’s gone? 

“He is my match in every way, please tell me I haven’t lost him.” (Ever After)