Safety

Have you ever felt so safe and happy that you never wanted to move? In bed in the morning, with a parent, holding a cat while watching T.V., etcetera.

Today I felt that warm, all-consuming feeling of absolute safety. 

I was laying on my Grandma’s couch, my head resting on Daniel’s chest. His heartbeat was thud thud thudding in my ear, my eyes were aimed at the television but not really seeing anything, and I was wrapped in a soft red knit blanket. He did that thing I love where he slides his hand up and down my side. His other arm was supporting him, and it was easy for me to look up and see him.

Then we moved.

He had his head resting against my side, his arm wrapped around me, and his eyes closed. 

No one has ever made me feel so safe. Daniel, my busy bee, my love, my darling, makes me feel loved and safe and complete. 

XENA, NO!

Someone hit my beautiful car yesterday. She was parked in the parking lot (a completely empty parking lot, by the way) and some jerk with a boat rammed his trailer into her front right bumper, ripping it apart and potentially taking out a headlight (I haven’t had the chance to see if the headlight works properly or not, yet). 

Xena, the road Warrior Princess, has been potentially killed. Hopefully the damages can be repaired, but at their extent, I might need a new car. She still runs just fine, but she can’t stay in this shape forever.

My poor girl.

The thing that upset me most was the nonchalant attitude of the rude, overweight man and his son who hit my car in the first place. “Oops, my bad.” were his first words to me when I arrived on the scene (I had been a distance away with Daniel and Bryce). Really? They were insincere, didn’t apologize, and joked around about it with me like it was okay. It took a lot of self control for me to not completely lose it and start cussing them out.

That is my first car! It’s how I get to and from my minimum wage teenage job! Xena is important to me, I have an emotional attachment to her. And all you can say is, “Oops, my bad.”? 

ASSHOLES. 

“Homoerotic Subtext”

This is an excerpt from “The Reichenbach Fall”, the 3rd episode of the 2nd season of the popular BBC show “Sherlock”. This is honestly one of the most openly hilarious ‘no homo’ scenes in the entire show as John Watson panics over a newspaper article written about him and Sherlock. I just wanted to share it because I find it absolutely hilarious. I love Sherlock immensely for so many reasons, the underlying tones of potential-romance-but-mostly-bromance make me especially happy.

SHERLOCK: Why is it always the hat photograph?
JOHN (looking at the newspaper article): “Bachelor John Watson”?
SHERLOCK: What sort of hat is it anyway?
JOHN: “Bachelor”? What the hell are they implying?
SHERLOCK (holding up the hat and twisting it back and forth rapidly): Is it a cap? Why has it got two fronts?
JOHN (glancing up briefly): It’s a deerstalker. (He reads more of the article.) “Frequently seen in the company of bachelor John Watson …”
SHERLOCK: You stalk a deer with a hat? What are you gonna do – throw it?
JOHN (looking at another part of the article): “… confirmed bachelor John Watson”!
SHERLOCK: Some sort of death frisbee?
JOHN: Okay, this is too much. We need to be more careful.
SHERLOCK: It’s got flaps … ear flaps. It’s an ear hat, John.
(He accurately skims the hat across the room to John, who doesn’t have to do more than bend his wrist to catch it.)
SHERLOCK: What do you mean, “more careful”?

Maybe ever after…

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“Falling in love with love is falling for make believe!” – Cinderella (Rogers and Hammerstein) 

I know how that goes. I know all too well how easy it is to think you’re in love with someone because the idea of being in love is so grand. The elation upon seeing them, the comfort they give you, the way they make you warm inside when you think about them…but you’re only pretending because you want to feel that way. You don’t want to be alone, and so you fall in love with love but not with the person. I did that, once upon a time. I fell in love with the idea of love.

Daniel isn’t like that…and I’m honestly terrified. I am deeply, madly in love with this passionate, fiery, brave, wonderful boy. How am I going to say goodbye when the time comes? How am I supposed to let someone like him disappear into the void of adulthood and post-high-school goodbyes? Is it too soon to declare that I would like to love him forever? What would life without him be? “I know that a life without love is no life at all.” – Leonardo Di Vinci (Ever After) 

I am a teenage girl in real love for the first time and it is the most horrifying experience of my life. Daniel is everything I have ever hoped for and more, much more. I only wish I hadn’t found him so soon. For all the days I get to hold him in my arms and tell him how beautiful he is and kiss him, there are days to come where I will not see him at all. There may be days when he doesn’t even cross my mind and that is the worst feeling ever. 

I don’t want to hold him back. I want him to feel free to leave when the fancy takes him. Go, leave, be your own person, I am so proud of you… but why did you say “forever”? It was he who first used ‘forever’ in conversation and said maybe our “Okay” (The Fault in Our Stars) would be “Forever”. But I very rarely say forever because Daniel, beautiful Daniel, doesn’t like to think of the future or our future. 

This boy, who asks me what’s wrong when I sound off. Who argues with me about politics, debates with me about religion, and lets me win when he sees me getting frustrated. Who apologizes needlessly when I’m down. Who kisses me, hugs me, holds me, lends me his jacket, sings to me, loves me…

What am I going to do when he’s gone? 

“He is my match in every way, please tell me I haven’t lost him.” (Ever After)

 

Dealing with Depression and Anxiety

I live in a teenage world where depression and anxiety are romanticized, mostly by the Tumblr/fanfiction community. But as a teenager who has been diagnosed with depression since age 11 and anxiety since age 9, I really have those things, even if my friends don’t believe me. 

I am out-going. I am extroverted and I love people. I love people within certain boundaries. In theatre I can deal with people because I am not myself. I am playing someone else and I can handle the crowds and the stage and the nerves because I’m not Jane, I’m in character. With my friends who I am close with I can act completely normal and function for long periods of time without having to worry about any sort of attack anxiety-wise.

But working retail for 20 plus hours a week? Talking to customers, asking if they need help, need a dressing room, need a bin, need me to hold anything, need a specific item, if they’re finding everything alright, if they need a manager…that is stressful. I get upset, nauseous, angry, and sometimes even panicky or nervous. I come home from work feeling as tight as piano strings and cranky. I get on the phone with Daniel and I feel horrible. Sometimes I cry. It happens. 

Sometimes I get depressed. I have days where I want to wear jeans and one of Dan’s sweatshirts and just curl up and not exist as a human. How do I explain to my friends and boyfriend that I am just having a down day when I’m usually so bubbly and bright and silly? Depression doesn’t mean anything anymore because of the internet. I feel this crushing, worrying feeling (which is why I’m up at one in the morning blogging about it instead of sleeping) and feel even worse.

I feel bad because I am depressed. I feel like a bad girlfriend when I want to borrow Daniel’s sweatshirt because his scent calms me down and makes me feel safe. I feel like a bad girlfriend when I want him to hold me and kiss me because I know he has other things to do and might not have time for me. I rationalize my own depression symptoms with I’m being selfish. Or I’m just a bitchy girlfriend. 

It’s why I apologize to him constantly. My friends I feel less bad about because we all have bad days and sometimes they don’t want to talk either and that’s cool. But the person I kiss and hug? I need extra kisses and hugs sometimes. I need to borrow clothes. I need to be held and told that I’m going to be okay. Daniel is really good at picking up on most of my nonverbal depressive cues and I’m super grateful for him and to him for that, but I hope that he understands: I am depressed. It happens. It’s not all the time but it does happen. 

And I’m sorry…but should I have to be?

These Summer Nights

cuddles

Last night was amazing.

My family/Daniel and Nick went to a concert! I separate them because my family had premium seats up close to the stage and Daniel and Nick had seats in the general seating area. I spent the night switching seats, one band with my family and one with Daniel back and forth for four bands. We saw Smash Mouth (they were okay), Sugar Ray (they won my love with a cover of “Blister in the Sun”), Uncle Kracker (he sucked), and Blues Traveler (amazing). 

The concert was pretty awesome, but after that was my favorite part. We got tickets to go on the amusement rides in the midway around 11pm. Daniel and Nick went on a really fast ride called The Zipper together and Maya (a mutual friend) and I went on the same ride together in a different car. It was terrifying and fun. 

Nick went home early, but Daniel, Maya, and I went on the Ferris Wheel and took the picture you see in this post. Daniel also ate a funnel cake while Maya and I took another round on the Zipper and one ride on The Orbiter, which is another really fast and fun ride.

I love Daniel so much. It hits me in the gut and chest every time I think about him, see him, hear him, or sniff the jacket he let me borrow while he’s away (Yay for Dash Con). There’s something about summer nights at a fair that make life feel so open and free and ever-lasting. As I’m standing in line for the Ferris Wheel with Dan’s arms wrapped around me, talking to Maya, cuddling close with the lights flashing and the almost-full moon above us…we were invincible and never ending and beautiful. 

I don’t know what it is about summer nights, but in that moment I could see my whole life spread out before me. And maybe it was the junk food or the high from the fast rides, but I smiled to myself because maybe, just maybe, I get to keep Daniel forever. Maybe I get to spend so many more summer nights with him, and that’s the happiest ending I could imagine.