Have you ever said something to the wrong person? Or had that person ask you a really odd question and you can’t phrase the answer just right and something terrible happens?
Well my boyfriend’s mom asked me about an ex and I asked which one. “I don’t know, the most recent?”
My sorta-rebound from Christian was Maria. So I said, “Oh, she was cool. We don’t talk very often anymore.”
This wouldn’t be so awkward if Daniels’ mother weren’t so violently Catholic, but she is. I had to maintain my breathing while trying not to break down into a full-blown panic attack. I was in a high stress situation and some serious shit just went down. Now she knows and she was never supposed to. It doesn’t even matter! I’m currently dating a male and therefore considered straight by the majority of my peers.
So there I was, at a high school football game, with my boyfriend’s mom, having a quiet panic attack. She eventually got a headache and left after half time to go home, which was nice. I had time to calm down a little. I sat by the band and joked around with Bryce and Ms. Linsmeier, the director.
My day didn’t go as planned, but hopefully I can make it out of this alive and with Daniel.
“You are a good feeling.”
“…You are a happy thought.”
Two of them.
Flying around at 2am and freaking out my parents. My mom started yelling for my stepfather to “Close the kid’s bedroom door!”
It was interesting.
Luckily the pest control guy came in the morning and took care of them.
Why am I crying?
I was happy earlier.
“Come stay at my house,” I said.
“Mmmmm sounds nice,” you replied.
The happy sound.
The “Mmmmm” that makes me smile.
It reverberates in my chest.
So why am I sad?
Why am I so lost?
You’re not the cause.
I wish you could just put the goddamn world down and listen for once.
Because I’m spilling my heart describing supernovas…
And you’re listening to music.
But I love you more than words.
“Forever,” you promised.
A lot of people point fingers at bisexual people and say, “You’re just confused, you’ll pick one eventually.” But I can tell from personal experience that it’s not how it works. Since the hormones started flowing in the sixth grade, I knew that I was highly attracted to both boys and girls. Granted it is only certain boys and certain girls (as it is no matter what gender you like). I have liked both since I first liked something.
Why didn’t I say so before, when I first figured it out? You’ve probably read about my highly religious family if you read this blog regularly (and I thank you highly for doing so, it makes me feel special). Coming out as bisexual with my Mom and Stepdad? Oh hell no. Not gonna happen. I told my friends that I was openly bicurious, but it was just a way for me to be who I am without REALLY letting anything slip. Bicurious isn’t the same. Bicurious is watered down. Bisexual? Woah, slow down there, Oh Confused One.
If my soulmate is a woman, I would marry her without thinking twice. I would have sex with her. I would adopt a child or have a child with her (they can do that, now!) and I would happily spend the rest of my life with another woman. I am just as sexually attracted to females as I am to males and I have always been that way. It’s just how I am.
I’m not at all afraid to come out to my Dad. He won’t care. He’ll shrug and take a sip of beer and say that it’s my life and my choices. My Mom would disown me. So I’m holding off coming out to my Mom. I’ve already come out on Tumblr, to my friends, and to some of my co-workers.
And as a bisexual person, I can tell you that I’m not AUTOMATICALLY IN LOVE with every person I see. I have specific things that attract me to a person both physically and personality wise. Physical things can change depending on the gender, but I have a pretty set personality type that I like. Everyone works like that, sexuality aside.
No, I am not interested in a threesome…unless it’s with Daniel and Jehan (Jehan and I joke about this a lot). No, I am not confused. No, I am not sexually diseased (yes people assume that bisexuals are diseased, why?). No, I am not promiscuous. In fact, I am still quite virginal. I just like both genders, that’s all.
Today, for the first time in 10 months, since our break-up, I hung out with Christian.
It was an odd experience, but it reminded me about why we broke up. He belittled Daniel for his ‘pansy’ ways. “Why would you choose a guy like him over a guy like me?” he asked. I didn’t answer the way I should have. I didn’t respond at all, really. I shrugged. I didn’t want to lose Chris as a friend, but inside I was monologuing about how wonderful Daniel is. He puts my happiness above his own sometimes. He cares about me. He goes out of his way to prove that he loves me. He makes me feel safe and protected. His friends are respectful of me and listen to what I say, unlike your asshole friends who touched me without permission and continued to do so after I asserted my negative feelings about it.
I should have said these things out loud. I should have cut the ties, but I couldn’t.
We got to talking about sex and drugs (because we are teenagers) and he got upset and said, “At one point your virginity belonged to me.”
Excuse me, son? My virginity has, does, and always will belong to me. Nobody is going to ‘take’ my virginity. I am not going to ‘lose’ it to anyone. I am going to choose someone to give it to, because it is mine to give and not yours to take. That’s how virginity works, no matter how long we’ve been dating.
I’m just mad. I agreed to see him again, but next time I’m going to prove to him just how perfect Daniel is, because there really isn’t a comparison.