Into the Wild…and Out Again

There’s a movie my boyfriend really likes called Into the Wild and I don’t understand why. I’ve read the plot summation and it sounds terrible. The ending is so sad…why? Why do humans do that to themselves? Why do we like sad endings? Life is sad enough as it is.

He doesn’t understand why I only love happy endings, or at least I don’t think he understands. I need happy endings. I need someone to look at me and tell me the world is beautiful and love exists and good people are out there. I know it’s true, that these things happen, but we don’t see it very often in our society. There must be some deep psychological meaning for me, personally, but maybe it’s just loving the rush of happiness when two people kiss at the end of a film, or the family is reunited, or the war ends or the hero lives.

I don’t know.

I have major depression. I come from a broken family with two very different households. Sure, I’m a first-world white girl, but that doesn’t instantly make everything in my life perfect. This blog has honestly kept me alive when I didn’t want to keep going. First-world white girl problems can happen and be just as bad as anything else. I only know my own pain, my own experiences. Putting myself on a level with someone else isn’t going to help me get better.

So I need those happy endings. They make the world a bright, beautiful place. I want one of my own someday. So when he asks me if I’ll watch Into the Wild with him, as he has done before, I’m sure I’ll say yes. Not because I want to see another sad situation in life, but because I love him. And guess what love is? A happy ending.

Lights Up

A common theatre term for when the lights turn on and the stage gets bright and we all start the scene.

Sweeney Todd has gone tremendously well. I really love Theatre and playing Special Girl. I’m going to miss the class, the crew, the pit, and all the people involved. This is my last Advanced Theatre production.

I can’t wait for this next weekend and our last show. Sweeney Todd, the demon barber of Fleet Street, is a great final show.

Connection / Abandoned.

groundlingsup:

I completely understand this feeling, it’s been happening a lot recently. I’m glad there are people out there to connect to, who understand.

Originally posted on 42 Days Younger than Kylie:

Connection
All I ever wanted
Was to belong somewhere
To feel safe

Every time I think I’m there
I feel abandoned
Again
Left to fend for myself
Without any idea what is happening
or why

(14 November 2014)

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Into the Future!

Okay, so, I am in high school. Let’s establish the fact that I am merely speculating and thinking about some serious stuff right now purely out of boredom and sleep deprivation. Last night, as I was trying to fall asleep, I was listing off reasons I love Daniel. Usually these happy thoughts help me drift off. Sometimes I make up stories or think about the cutest lyrics in my latest favorite song. Last night I thought about Daniel and realised how amazing it would be to have him as a forever-human. He doesn’t like to think or talk about it, but there is proof that we could make it as a couple in the future.

He understands my mental illness and respects it. He doesn’t guilt trip me, he doesn’t resent me or look down on me for my depression or anxiety. I had a bad day at school once and he left his friends to come sit with me and hold me and ask if I was okay. That is amazing. He knows how to handle me during episodes of either problem and he cares for and about me when I’m feeling bad.

We enjoy each other’s hobbies. That is so important! He enjoys the theatrical arts and I absolutely adore his musical talents. It’s wonderful to be able to experience the other person’s joy firsthand, whether I’m onstage in costume or he’s playing in drumline or his mandolin in his living room.

We are both artists. “Artists only fall in love with those who inspire them to make art.” I’ve written him many of what we call “Danfiction” and he has written me a beautiful song. It is lovely to exchange art with someone you love and hold dear. That’s the art you hold onto the most and cherish the longest.

We know how to fight. I know this seems weird, but we know how to fight. We can argue for fifteen minutes about fencing and kiss afterwards. We can also have deep, serious discussions about problems in our relationship (I usually get emotional, because that’s how I am) and come out the other side still together. Still willing to work for what we have because it’s beautiful and important and rare. Knowing how to fight and talk and just make it through alive is what so many people forget to learn and use in relationships, I’m glad Daniel and I have that.

Anyway, I’m just really happy thinking about him and the fact we could totally potentially have a future, even if he doesn’t like to think about it. Have an amazing day. I hope I do.

How I beat my depression this morning

Today was not going to be a good day when I first woke up. I felt down, sad, that hopeless nagging feeling of never-ending apathy and hollowness that rests in my chest cavity as it does almost every day at some point. Depression! Yay!

But then I decided that I was not going to have an episode today. Nope. So I did what I haven’t done in a long time. I went into the bottom drawer of my dresser and removed something I haven’t even seen in what feels like months: the cutest bra I own. It’s pink and purple striped with a little bow in the middle and I love it!

So then I put that on along with my softest sweater and the high-waisted pants that generally make Daniel a little more appreciative (wink wink) and my knee-high Victorian style boots.

No way in hell I was gonna feel sad when I felt so good about myself. That’s my way of feeling better on a bad day. Sure, at some point I’ll probably feel down. IT’s bound to happen because my internal chemistry said so, but at least I’ll feel good about myself and know that I am loved. `

Bryceroni

I honestly don’t write enough about the beautiful human that is my best friend. Bryce has been there for me through some really tough stuff. He’s the person I go to first with issues that need to be spoken about, he talks through things with me, and he answers my late-night text messages.

Bryce has been such a glowing ball of fun and humor in the less-than-a-year that I’ve known him (when he was just Tall Child because I didn’t know his real name). I am so grateful to have a friend like him. Just this past Monday, when we didn’t have school, I went over to his house and we sat on his couch and joked around and watched Fantastic Mr. Fox together. I took him some Mac-N-Cheese and we talked about his girlfriend.

Relationship problems? I talk to Bryce. Homework issues? I talk to Bryce. I need to procrastinate? Talk to Bryce! Theatre stuff? Talk to Bryce! Need some cheering up or defending? BRYCE!

There is no one else in my world as dependable as him and I am going to miss him so much when I go off to college next year. I might just put him in my luggage and take him along. My darling, my dear, my Bryceroni. My Tall Child. My adopted band geek baby theatre tech kid.

Bryce, you are loved, loving, and all too wonderful. Thank you for being my best friend, the best friend anyone could ask for.

Alice in Wonderland

photo 2

This Halloween went a lot better than the last one…for many reasons.

1) I got to go to a party with my friends and had an absolute blast.

2) Daniel took me home and we didn’t break up in my driveway.

3) Instead, he kissed me goodnight and kept calling me beautiful.

4) I went to sleep smiling.

I love him so much and we had a pretty adorable couple’s costume. Alice and the White Rabbit from Lewis Carrol’s Alice in Wonderland. 

It doesn’t really get more appropriate than that. I’m the daydreamer in the couple, the one who’s always optimistic and giddy and making up stories and adventures. He’s the busy one who always keeps track of the time and his agenda. But, despite these differences, we are very much in love. I love him so much, he takes such good care of me and loves me even in my bad moments. He deals with things no teenage boy would usually put up with, and for that I am very grateful.

I am so happy to adventure in Wonderland with him, hopefully for a very long time.